Ralph, The Rowdy Rack Monster

Ralph, The Rowdy Rack Monster

Mike Hamel

I’m sure all of us, at one time or another, have had a run in with Ralph. Descriptions of this behemoth vary. Some say he weighs over 1,000 pounds, but you wouldn’t know it by the speed with which he pounces on his victims.

He’s never seen except in the early morning hours. He’s a creature of the shadows. He lives for one purpose. One purpose only. To keep Christians flat on their backs in their racks instead of up on their knees committing the coming day to God. This quiet time queller is one of the Christian’s foremost enemies.

Every honest reader can empathize with the sufferer in the following eye witness account.

“I set my alarm the night before to allow plenty of time to rise, shower and meet the Lord in His Word and prayer. I had planned to get to bed early, but just couldn’t put my book down until close to midnight. So when the alarm sounded, interrupting a perfectly marvelous dream, I found myself unprepared for the ensuing battle.

“I stumbled across the room and smacked my insolent clock radio. Then, instead of heading toward the bathroom I sank back down on the edge of the bed to collect my wits. (I always take them off before retiring.) That was my fatal mistake.

“The next thing I knew a blurry shape blew through the door and slammed itself against my chest, flattening me on the bed. Fortunately my head landed on my pillow. Somehow I managed to get under the covers, but they afforded me little protection against my assailant. That was the last move I made for over thirty minutes. Ralph (so he called himself) just sat on my chest and snickered every time I looked over at the clock.

“With only minutes left before time to leave the house I made a desparate attempt at freedom. Arching my back I bolted up through the covers and onto my feet. Ralph, still snickering, disappeared as quickly and mysteriously as he had come.

“Free! Just enough time for a quick shower, a piece of toast and a swig of coffee on the way out the door. Oh yes, Lord, please bless this day. I’ll try to get more time to talk to you on my lunch hour. Amen.”

If you’ve experienced similar humiliating defeats, you may be interested in the following tips for winning the Battle of the Bed:

First … Realize the importance of a morning time with the Lord. He’s given you the day and He’s the only one who can give you the wisdom and grace not to waste it. Your, personal time meeting intimately with God is not only a privilege, it’s a necessity. If He’s first in your life, logic, not to mention love, demands He be first in your day.

Second … Don’t just get up, WAKE UP! Your body, like your car, needs to warm up before it functions efficiently. Hop in the shower. Do jumping jacks. Do something! Pray standing up or sitting down if you find yourself dozing on your knees.

Third … The secret of getting out of bed in the morning is getting into it at night. “If you hoot with the owls you’ll never fly with the eagles.” Plan for your quiet time the evening before and when you do have to stay up late, get up early anyway. It’s a small sacrifice to make for an audience with the King.

Do we pray in the early morning because the rates are cheaper? No. We meet the Lord early because we’re sinners, and we need cleansing and protection from defilement. Because we’re servants, and we need instructions from our Master. Because we’re soldiers, and we need equipping by our Commander for the day’s battles. Because we’re sons, and we desire the fellowship of our Father.

Arm yourself with new resolve to get up and get going with God. Pay whatever price necessary to put Him first and you’ll not regret the investment.

But what about Ralph? Will he stop bothering you.


He’ll still be after you any morning he can get you. Only you won’t be as “getable” as before. Looking up from your open Bible you can politely tell him to go hang it on his beak!